Got so excited to read some actual script that I merely glanced at most of your original post. Y’know, the part where you explained that there wasn’t much in the way of scene directions and about the characters’ reactions in some places.

So…oops.

1. Overall, it’s a little chatty. Not a lot, though, and with the right artist it won’t appear as talkative.

I think part of the reason it comes off as chatty is because, as you indicate later, I don’t have much in the way of “stage direction” in here just yet — putting that stuff in at this stage would’ve killed my forward momentum, so I skipped most of it for now. But I have a feeling that, even if I had more direction in there, it’d likely still come off as chatty. I tend to be dialogue-driven, so I don’t think there’s going to be any way around the chattiness. I think I’ll fall right in the Mamet-Sorkin-Bendis school of writing (not comparing myself to them just yet, just sayin’ they’re obvious influences).

2. Speaking of visuals, will there be more direction in later drafts as to setting: time of day, “set descriptions

This is a first draft, so there’s obviously some nits you need picked, so I have these:

1. Overall, it’s a little chatty. Not a lot, though, and with the right artist it won’t appear as talkative. I understand that the scene isn’t something you can cut a lot of dialogue from, as there’s a need for some introductions and not a whole lot happening visually. It’s not so wordy as to be distracting.

2. Speaking of visuals, will there be more direction in later drafts as to setting: time of day, “set descriptions